From the book,
"Healing Your Grieving Soul,
100 Spiritual Practices For Mourners"
by Alan D. Wolfelt, PH.D.

95.
MANIFEST

*What have you always wanted to try, to do, to be, but haven't?

*I believe in callings. I believe that many people, perhaps all people, have feelings deep down inside about why they are here on Earth and what they are meant to do.

*I feel deeply that my calling is to help others learn to mourn well so they can go on to live well and love well. I know it's my calling because when I'm engaged in my teaching and writing, as I am right now, I feel joyful and in-the-moment. I feel energized and in touch with my center.

*Many people are afraid to engage with their calling because it seems frivolous or risky. Yet they continue to harbor a longing for it--- a wistful longing that leave them feeling frustrated, stuck and sad.

*Now is the time to manifest your true self, to make it a reality. Keep in mind that you don't have to turn your current life upside down. You just have to take one small step today and another small step tomorrow and so on.

CARPE DIEM
Today, take one small step toward trying something you've always wanted to try.

From the book,
"Healing Your Grieving Soul,
100 Spiritual Practices For Mourners"
by Alan D. Wolfelt, PH.D.

99.
BELIEVE IN YOUR CAPACITY TO HEAL

*All the veteran grievers I have had the privilege of meeting and learning from would want me to tell you this: You will survive.

*If your loss was recent, you may think you cannot get through this. You can and you will. It may be excruciatingly difficult, yes, but over time and with the love and support of others, your grief will soften and you will find ways to be happy again. There will come a day when the death is not the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning.

*Many mourners also struggle with feeling they don't want to survive. Again, those who have gone before you want you to know that while this feeling is normal, it will pass. One day in the not-too-distant future you will feel that life is worth living again. For now, think of how important you are to your children, your partner, your parents, and siblings, your friends.

*As you actively mourn, you may also choose not simply to survive, but to truly live. The remainder of your life can be full and rich and satisfying if you choose live over mere existence.

From the book,
"Healing Your Grieving Soul,
100 Spiritual Practices For Mourners"
by Alan D. Wolfelt, PH.D.

100.
DANCE THROUGH GRIEF INTO LIFE

*Dance has been described as a metaphor for life. In the midst of grief, dance can be a lovely way to transform your grief (your internal response) into mourning (the shared outward response). Dance invites you to merge with the music and the movement even as it takes you outside of yourself.

*Constanze referred to dancing as dreaming with your feel. Sweetpea Tyler claimed it faces you toward heaven, whichever direction you turn. Havelock Ellis described it as life itself. Martha Graham called it the hidden language of the soul.


*Dance is more than an aerobic physical activity. It is a complete mind, body, and spirit workout and it is fun! Many forms of dance are forms of moving mediation. The blend of physical, emotional and spiritual concentration invite both surrender and renewal, while at the same time transporting you into a spiritual realm of wholeness and connection to the world outside of yourself. Yes, there is magic in dance.

Dance can transform you in ways that re-awaken your Divine spark---"that which gives life meaning and purpose." Movement allows your body to heal, your mind to open, and your spirit to sing. Dance also engages you in community because you enter into a partnership that is greater than the sum of it's parts. You discover that you are in constant, ever-flowing exchange with yourself, each other and the Divine.

From the book,
"Healing Your Grieving Soul,
100 Spiritual Practices For Mourners"
by Alan D. Wolfelt, PH.D.

98.
LIVE ON PURPOSE

*Do you believe that things happen for a reason? Do you think that you attract what you are thinking about?

*I'm not 100% sold on the popular concept of the power of attraction, but I have noticed that if I live with awareness and intention, I am able to live my best life.

*If you set your intention to mourn well and heal, and if you move forward each day embracing hope--even as you also embrace your pain, you are living on purpose. You are living with an awareness that your intentional thoughts create, in part, your destiny.

*You are a miracle. Your life is a miracle. Live it with the awe and wonder it deserves.

From the book,
"Healing Your Grieving Soul,
100 Spiritual Practices For Mourners"
by Alan D. Wolfelt, PH.D.

91.
EMBRACE THE IMAGE OF THE EAGLE

*The image of the eagle is found across a broad range of spiritual beliefs and philosophies. Depending on the spiritual tradition, it symbolizes strength, courage, wisdom, spiritual protection and healing.

*The eagle's soaring flight has drawn comparisons to the holy spirit, intuition and grace.

*Some native cultures believe that the eagle carries our prayers to the Creator.

*There is a Native American blessing that says:

May you have the strength
of eagles' wings,
The faith and courage to
Fly to new heights,
And the wisdom
of the universe
To carry you there.

From the book,
"Healing Your Grieving Soul,
100 Spiritual Practices For Mourners"
by Alan D. Wolfelt, PH.D.

77.
BEFRIEND YOUR MYSTICAL EXPERIENCES

*At some point in your grief, you may well have what is called a "mystical experience." One day, without warning, you may experience a sense of the presence of or a connection to the person who has died. You may hear his voice, feel her physical touch, see her appear to you, or experience a coincidence of some kind that seems impossible without otherworldly influence. Those experiences are usually not tinged in fear, but in comfort and joy. In fact, your mystical experience might be so awe-inspiring that you are forever changed by it.

*This direct encounter with the mystery surrounding love and loss is sacred and is an organic expression of the soul. When you experience these moments of mystery and intimate connection to those who have gone before you, befriend them as feelings of bliss.

*These breathtaking, sacred experiences of connection to your loved one are, in truth, benedictions of the Divine. Open yourself to these experience and welcome them open-heartedly into your life. Don't think them as "paranormal" events; think of them as sacred and divine experiences.

From the book,
"Healing Your Grieving Soul,
100 Spiritual Practices For Mourners"
by Alan D. Wolfelt, PH.D.

90.
Laugh

*Humor is one of the most healing gifts of humanity. Laughter restores hope and assists us in surviving the pain of grief.

*Don't fall into the trap of thinking that laughing and having fun are somehow a betrayal of the person who died. Laughing doesn't mean you don't miss the person who died. Laughing doesn't mean you aren't in mourning.

*Sometimes it helps to think about what the person who died would want for you. Wouldn't she want you to laugh and continue to find joy in life, even in the midst of your sorrow?

*You can only embrace the pain of your loss a little at a time, in doses. In between the does, it's perfectly normal, even necessary, to love and laugh.

*Remember the fun times you shared with the person who died. Remember his sense of humor. Remember his grin and the sound of his laughter.

*I've hear it said that laughter is a form of internal jogging. Not only is it enjoyable, it's good for you. Studies show that smiling, laughing, and feeling good enhance you immune system and make you healthier, if you act happy, you may even begin to feel some happiness in your life again.

From the book,
"Healing Your Grieving Soul,
100 Spiritual Practices For Mourners"
by Alan D. Wolfelt, PH.D.

85.
PAY ATTENTION TO SYNCHRONICITIES

*Stuff happens, the saying goes.

*The philosophy embedded in that aphorism is that things happen over which you have no control and you need to resign yourself to the fact that life often sucks.

*Sometimes life does suck. Sometimes stuff happens. But often, if you are paying attention,if you are living on purpose, stuff happens that is nothing short of miraculous.

*At night you dream of a friend you haven't seen for years, and the next day she calls you, out of the blue. You hear a song on the car radio that perfectly captures what you're feeling that moment. Your furnace breaks down and you receive an unexpected check in the mail.

*Pay attention to coincidences. Believe that they may be telling you something-- even guiding you. As the Dalai Lama said, "I am open to the guidance of synchronicity and do not let expectations hinder my path."

From the book,
"Healing Your Grieving Soul,
100 Spiritual Practices For Mourners"
by Alan D. Wolfelt, PH.D.

89.
REASSESS YOUR PRIORITIES

*Death has a way of making us rethink our lives and the meaningfulness of the ways we spend them. It tends to awaken mourners to what is truly meaningful in life.

*What gives your life meaning? What doesn't? Take steps to spend more of your time on the former and less on the latter.

*Now may be the time to reconfigure you life. Choose a satisfying new career. Go back to school. Begin volunteering. Open yourself to potential new relationships. Help others in regular, ongoing ways. Move closer to your family.

*Many mourners have told me that they can no longer stand to be around people who seem shallow, egocentric, or mean-spirited. It's OK to let friendships wither with friends whom these adjectives now seem to describe. Instead, find ways to connect with people who share your new outlook on life---and death.

From the book,
"Healing Your Grieving Soul,
100 Spiritual Practices For Mourners"
by Alan D. Wolfelt, PH.D.

61.
WALK BAREFOOT IN THE GRASS

*Few sensations bring me back to my childhood like walking barefoot in the lush green grass of early summer. Oh how refreshing to takeoff the trappings of adulthood -- shoes and socks -- and wiggle my toes in the cool, waxy blades.

*Grief deadens us. It naturally draws us within ourselves to a place we need to go before we can emerge again. But even while we are existing within this state of dormancy, we can and should emerge now and then to feel pleasure. Like other sensory experiences that were so rich we can't help but be engaged by them, walking barefoot in the grass is a luscious reprieve.

*Lie in the grass. Put your face in it and breathe deeply. Roll down a grassy hill. And while you're at it, pick a dandelion and hold it under your chin to see if you like butter.

From the book,
"Healing Your Grieving Soul,
100 Spiritual Practices For Mourners"
by Alan D. Wolfelt, PH.D.

60.
LOSE TRACK OF TIME

*Most of us are so bound by our daily schedule what we forget that the notion of seconds, minutes, and hours is a man-made invention. Sure, the earth turns and the sun rises and sets, but if you listened to your body,it will set its own schedule.

*If you're constantly paying attention to the clock, you're probably not paying attention to your spirit and the here and now.

*Take your watch off for a day and don't peek at the clock on your cell phone, iPod, or PDA.

CARPE DIEM
Block out a day on your calender when you can be free to lose track of time.

From the book,
"Healing Your Grieving Soul,
100 Spiritual Practices For Mourners"
by Alan D. Wolfelt, PH.D.

49.
CARRY A TOUCHSTONE

*A touchstone is a standard of quality or excellence against which you can measure other things.

*Let's say one of your own spiritual touchstones is "seeking peace." When you are deciding how to react in a difficult situation, you might be tempted to explode in anger. But you stop to consider your "seeking peace" touchstone and instead decide that an angry outburst would be counterproductive.

*You can literally carry a stone in your pocket to remind you of your spiritual touchstones, or intentions. Whenever you're feeling your grief or struggling with a thought or feeling, put your hand in your pocket and rub your "touchstone". The stone's smooth surface and the rubbing motion will help center you and return you to your place of spiritual intention.

From the book,
"Healing Your Grieving Soul,
100 Spiritual Practices For Mourners"
by Alan D. Wolfelt, PH.D.

57.
REACH OUT AND TOUCH

*For many people, physical contact with another human being is healing. It has been recognized since ancient times as having transformative, healing powers.

*Have you hugged anyone lately? Held someone's hand? Put your arm around another human being?

*You probably know several people who enjoy hugging or physical touching. If you're comfortable with their touch, encourage it in the weeks and months to come.

*Hug someone you feel safe with . Kiss your children or a friends baby. Walk arm in arm with a neighbor.

*You may want to listen to the song title "I Know What Love Is," by Don White. I have found this song helps me reflect on the power of touch.

"I Know What Love Is"
Don White

Click to listen to song.

From the book,
"Healing Your Grieving Soul,
100 Spiritual Practices For Mourners"
by Alan D. Wolfelt, PH.D.

37.
EXPERIENCE THE SUNRISE AND SUNSET

*The sun is a powerful symbol of life and renewal. Both sunrise and sunset are grand experiences that touch your soul. If you want to feel surrounded by your god /spirits and the heavens, make use of these opportunities to bring some inner peace and solace to your day.

*Yes, there is something so captivating about the rising and setting of the sun. The brilliant color can give your whole world a different perspective. It is a time to pause, be still, quiet your mind, and open your heart. You can appreciate and trust that out of your darkness will eventually come the light.

From the book,
"Healing Your Grieving Soul,
100 Spiritual Practices For Mourners"
by Alan D. Wolfelt, PH.D.

45.
LISTEN TO THE MUSIC

*Music perhaps more than any other external experience, has the capacity to bring you home to yourself and to restore your broken heart. Beautiful music can communicate to you on many different levels. Music can take you to your favorite place or to another world.

*Music transforms you, taking you to a "safe place" in your soul, helping you feel that you and the world around you are filled with grace and peace. Music can uplift your mood, soothe you when you are agitated, and open you to harmony , beauty, love and generosity.

*Beautiful music that nurtures your being is by its very nature healing. It restores and relaxes you in way beyond words. Music allows you to access spirit through sound. Music can infuse your body, mind and spirit, and bring an inner calmness that comforts your grief-filled nerves. Music encourages you to express your grief from the inside to mourning on the outside. Music is an invitation to feel whatever you feel----sometimes even paradoxical emotions, such as happiness and sadness at once.

CAPRE DIEM
Commit yourself to bring music into your daily life and open yourself to the spiritual nurturing it brings.

From the book,
"Healing Your Grieving Soul,
100 Spiritual Practices For Mourners"
by Alan D. Wolfelt, PH.D.

48.
FORGIVE

*You may be harboring some spiteful feelings about the death of someone loved. Perhaps you are angry at a medical caregiver. Maybe you're upset at friends and family who haven't been there for you in your time of need. Maybe you are mad at the person who died.

*Forgiveness is an act of surrender. If you surrender your resentment, you are freeing yourself of a very heavy load... Don't go to your own grave angry.

*Forgive. Write letters of forgiveness if this will help you unburden yourself, even if you never send the letters.

*And while you're at it, don't forget to forgive yourself. Self-recrimination is negative energy. If you did something wrong, acknowledge, apologize, and forgive.

*This Idea calls to mind this poem by William Arthur Ward, and American pastor and teacher:

Before you speak, listen.
Before you write, think.
Before you spend, earn.
Before you invest, investigate.
Before you criticize, wait.
Before you pray, forgive.
Before you quit, try.
Before you retire, save.
Before you die, give.

From the book,
"Healing Your Grieving Soul,
100 Spiritual Practices For Mourners"
by Alan D. Wolfelt, PH.D.

34.SPEND TIME IN "THIN PLACES"

* In the Celtic tradition, "thin places" are spots where the separation between the physical world and the spiritual world seem tenuous. They are places where the veil between Heaven and earth, between the holy and the everyday, are so thin that when we are near them, we intuitively sense the timeless, boundless spiritual world.

*There is a Celtic saying that Heaven and earth are only three feet apart, but in the thin places that distance is even smaller.

*Thin places are usually outdoors, often where water and land meet or land and sky come together. You might find thin places on a riverbank, a beach or a mountaintop.

*Go to a thin place to pray, to walk, or to simply sit in the presence of the holy.

CARPE DIEM
Your thin places are anywhere that fills you with awe and a sense of wonder. They are spots that refresh your spirit and make you feel closer to God. Go to a thin place today and sit in contemplative silence.

Day 5- LIGHTER

According to the amount of Maple Syrup and will power I have left, Day 5 has turned into my last day of fasting.

I hope this will amount to enough rest at the Pikes Peak Cliff of temptation.

Though, fasting does cause the scale to be more agreeable... perhaps only water weight, but be that as it may, I feel lighter! I'm wondering if the way I deal with food is weighing me down: the stress of planning, figuring it all out, what I should and shouldn't eat verses all that I want/crave that adds to my waist (which physically weighs me down).

Today, I plan on soaking in as much of this wonderful weather as I can! Which includes watching my 15 year old try to wrangle some cute little pigtailed and quick-as-lightening 4 years old while helping coach her soccer practice. Can't wait!

From the book,
"Healing Your Grieving Soul,
100 Spiritual Practices For Mourners"
by Alan D. Wolfelt, PH.D.


32.
FIND COMFORT IN THE ELEMENTS

*Ancient scientist thought the world was made up of the four elements of air, fire, earth and water. By definition, elements are pure, basic, simple. If you try, you can find comfort and meaning in each of them.

*Air: Breath deeply. Practice yogic breathing. Stand in the wind.

*Fire: Light a candle in your loved one's memory. Build a fire in a fireplace and sit in spiritual contemplation while you watch the flames dance.

*Earth: Garden. Plant bulbs. Start a compost pile. Walk barefoot in the grass.

*Water: Take a long bath. Go for a swim. Walk in the rain. Play in sprinkler.

From the book,
"Healing Your Grieving Soul,
100 Spiritual Practices For Mourners"
by Alan D. Wolfelt, PH.D.

31.
BE GENEROUS WITH YOUR TIME AND CONCERN

*Generosity is giving from your heart and sharing the essence of yourself. Generosity is being in sync with the greater good. It is helping others is such a way that "mine" and "yours" are not part of your thinking.

*Being generous is anchored in a reciprocal relationship: You give and you get, you get and you give. When you are experiencing grief and loss, you must permit yourself to receive before you give of yourself. But, over time, and with active mourning, you may discover yourself wanting to give.

*Review your life for the ways in which you are generous. Think of the people you are close to and how you give yourself to them. Reflect on the ways you have given to others in your workplace or in your faith community. Think of the ways you have been available to friends to lift them up at a time when they are down.

*Generosity has many levels and forms of expression. You can give away possessions you no longer need but someone else can use. You can gift someone with a book you believe may help him. You can try to be as totally present to someone as you possibly can. You can unconditionally love the people around you.

Day 3- Wading Passion

So, the two day trophy is mine. I went under the water to find it. It seemed to much, in too deep, can't catch my breath. Panic! Where's the top. Panic! Then just in time....I found it; grabbed it. Surfacing with the force of an Olympian, I broke out of the water waving it to my crowd of none in VICTORY!

Man, I love the wading pool!

48 Hours completed. Amazingly. Considering yesterday I was just going to scrap the whole fasting thing at any opportunity.

I was hanging out with my niece and we decided to get bagels. BUT, when we got to Panera we tugged on the door and it was closed. Missed opportunity by 15 minutes.

Plan B: We went to Starbucks to sit outside in this amazing weather and visit. I was just going to have my green tea, but, on the off chance they actually had an iced tea that was decaffeinated, I asked. "Yes."

So, Passion it was.

Though I have no idea why I am continuing on, I guess it was meant for me to at least make it to today. So...... Here I am... on Day 3.

Of course, I am hungry.....but, what the hell, I am always hungry.

From the book,
"Healing Your Grieving Soul,
100 Spiritual Practices For Mourners"
by Alan D. Wolfelt, PH.D.

28.
CONSIDER YOURSELF IN "SPIRITUAL INTENSIVE CARE"

*Something painful has happened in your life. Something assaulting to the very core of your being.

*Your spirit has been deeply injured. Just as your body cannot be expected to recover immediately from a brutal attack, neither can your psyche.

*Imagine that you've suffered a severe physical injury and are in your hospital's intensive care unit. Your friends and family surround you with their presence and love. The medical staff attends to you constantly. Your body rests and recovers.

*This is the kind of care you need and deserve right now. The blow you have suffered is no less devastation than this imagined physical injury. Allow others to take care of you. Ask for their help. Give yourself as much resting time as possible. Take time off work. Let household chores slide. Especially in the early weeks and months after a death, don't expect-- indeed, don't try-- to carry on with your normal routine.

CAPRE DIEM
Close your eyes and imagine yourself in "Spiritual intensive care." Where are you? What kind of care are you receiving? From whom? Arrange a weekend or a week of the spiritual intensive care you most need.

From the book,
"Healing Your Grieving Soul,
100 Spiritual Practices For Mourners"
by Alan D. Wolfelt, PH.D.

27.
CENTER YOURSELF

*Centering yourself is about letting go of resistance and going with the movement below your feet. When you are centered you don't let things that really don't matter in the big picture of life bother you. Therefore, it doesn't really matter what the weather is like outside, what table you get at a restaurant, if the stock market goes up or down, if the traffic is slow, etc. When you are centered, you are not affected by externals.

*If you are externally focused, you let little things "get to you" in ways they shouldn't. You get out of balance and are not centered internally ----body, mind and spirit. Out of balance, you will likely feel empty and lost.. always looking for something "outside of yourself" to fill you up. Yet, nothing out there can.

*When you are centered, you are more aware of the environment in and around you. You have more clarity and focus, and your intuition is refined. Your fear diminishes markedly and you now you can make it through the wilderness of your grief.

CARPE DIEM:
Nurture friendships with hope-filled, centered people rather than "negative" or "cynical" people. People who are complainers are not centered, and are letting the world around them affect their capacity for joy...and your if you allow it. When you use discernment to spend time with "centered" friends, you are creating a more stable environment for yourself.

Day 1 - GET THE HELL OFF THE CLIFF!

I have been traveling up the Pikes Peak of Weight Loss, as it is my life long challenge. Almost to the top, shedding size and now easily traveling..... I fell. Luckily, I grabbed the edge of the cliff and kept myself from the Road Runner fall to the bottom. Unfortunately, I don't seem to have the good sense to pull myself back up!!!!!!!!!!!

I loved the view from the practical top. I loved the ease of movement I seemed to have found . I loved throwing my old clothes away and grabbing less of it in replacement. I deeply love the confidence the journey revealed in me.

But, even after 9 months of traveling with the right food and step, I discovered that I am no match for delicious, wonderful, sweet smelling, and heavenly tasting.....chocolate!

CHOCOLATE IS A GATEWAY DRUG!

Once touched all other indulgences seem to find their way to my mouth without thought or resistance.

I am now hanging from the Pikes Peak cliff with the weight of a 1000 pound Chocolove Cherries & Almonds in Dark Chocolate bar bound to my ass! And I am calling out to air support to lower me some MORE!

SERIOUSLY???? !!!!!!!!!

So, today I am lifting myself off that damn cliff. Then I am going to rest here for the next 10 days and revamp for the rest of the journey to my new home! Were I will live my fit, no holding back full life!! In clothes that will make everyone judge me as I pass. With a cockiness that I always begrudged the skinny people. And a self confidence that I crave: hopefully more than Chocolove Cherries & Almonds in Dark Chocolate bars!

Immediate Goal:
*1 days fasting! Yicks!
*Continue to exercise as best I can
*Be happy
*Start Journal/blog
*Listen to music
*Walk

Long term Goal:
*10 days of one day at a time fasting!!! Double YICKS!
*Journal/blog every day

To keep me busy:
*Finish my short story I started in Feb.
*Clean my attic
*Help with Aunts House
*Go to lots of soccer.
*Play with Kids
*Top my game on COD :)
*Any and everything I can outside to keep me connected!
*Stay away from "food gatherings" :)
*More music and walks!

WISH ME LUCK!
(and the family :)

Carpe Diem

seize the day; enjoy the present, as opposed to placing all hope in the future.

From the book,
"Healing Your Grieving Soul,
100 Spiritual Practices For Mourners"
by Alan D. Wolfelt, PH.D.

24.
SIGH

*Sighing is an expression of letting go. When we sigh, we resign ourselves to something. We accept something, though perhaps it is something we didn't want to accept.

*In Romans 8 is says that when there are no works for our prayer, the spirits intervene and pray for us in sighs deeper than anything that can be expressed in words.

*Sigh deeply. Sigh whenever you feel like it. With each sigh, you are acknowledging that you are not in total control of your life. You are accepting what is.

*Each sigh is your prayer.

From the book,
"Healing Your Grieving Soul,
100 Spiritual Practices For Mourners"
by Alan D. Wolfelt, PH.D.

23.
CREATE

*...Make something that expresses your feelings or honors the loss you are mourning.

*Is there a creative activity that you find you lose yourself in---that you get so involved in that you lose all track of time and place and you become immersed in your creative process? If so, that's that kind of activity you want to do now.

*Write. Paint. Sew. Scrapbook. Kit. Garden. Cook. Play an instrument. Decorate. Organize. All of these activities are forms of creation. Pick one that moves you.

From the book,
"Healing Your Grieving Soul,
100 Spiritual Practices For Mourners"
by Alan D. Wolfelt, PH.D.

17.
CRY

*Tears are a natural cleansing and healing mechanism. They rid your body of stress chemicals. It's OK to cry. In fact, it's good to cry when you feel like it. What's more, tears are a form of mourning. They are sacred!


* Your pain, your grief, your overwhelming loss disturbs the world around you. Disturb the quiet with your soul's cry.

*On the other hand, don't feel bad if you aren't crying a lot. Not everyone is a crier.

*You may find that those around you are uncomfortable with your tears. As a society, we're often not so good at witnessing others in pain. Don't let those people take your grief away from you.

*Explain to your friends and family that you need to cry right now and they can help by allowing you to.

*You may even find yourself keening, which means a loud wailing or wordless crying out in lament for the dead. Keening is a instinctive form of mourning. It gives voice to your soul's profound pain at a time when words are inadequate.

*You may find yourself crying at unexpected times or places. If you need to, excuse yourself and retreat to somewhere private. Or better yet, go ahead and cry openly and honestly, unashamed of your tears of overwhelming grief.

From the book,
"Healing Your Grieving Soul,
100 Spiritual Practices For Mourners"
by Alan D. Wolfelt, PH.D.

15.
LOVE YOURSELF

*Someone once astutely observed, "Love is the highest, purest, most precious of all spiritual things." Sometimes it is easier to express love to others than it is to ourselves. Yet, by feeling your own love in a more direct way, you can be transformed and open yourself to new spiritual understanding.

*Loving yourself starts with accepting yourself. If you, as a living, unique human being, are unable to value who you are, who can? If part of your need to mourn is anchored in recapturing your capacity to give love out, you must start by giving love in. Honoring YOU is part of your need right now and nobody else can do it from the inside out.

*Loving yourself means recognizing you, seeing you, and honoring you.

From the book,
"Healing Your Grieving Soul,
100 Spiritual Practices For Mourners"
by Alan D. Wolfelt, PH.D.

18.
SCHEDULE SOMETHING THAT GIVES
YOU PLEASURE EACH AND EVERY DAY

*When we're in mourning, often we need something to look forward to, a reason to get out of bed.

*It's hard to look forward to each day when you know you will be experiencing pain and sadness.

*To counterbalance your normal and necessary mourning, plan something you enjoy doing every day.

*Reading, baking, going for a walk, having lunch with a friend, playing computer games- whatever brings you enjoyment.

(Just remember- no inappropriate risk-taking)

From the book,
"Healing Your Grieving Soul,
100 Spiritual Practices For Mourners"
by Alan D. Wolfelt, PH.D.

12.
UNDERSTAND THE SIX NEEDS OF MOURNING

NEED 4:
DEVELOP A NEW SELF-IDENTITY

*A big part of your self-identity may have been formed by the relationship you had with the person who died.

*What was your relationship? If your mother died, you may find yourself feeling orphaned. If your spouse died, you may be struggling with new found and confusing feelings about being a widow.

*While you must work through this difficult need yourself, I can assure you that you are and always will be a child of your parent, a husband to your wife, a best friend, etc. While death may change the language that others now use about your relationship, the bonds of the relationship do not simply disintegrate and vanish.

They were, they are, and they always will be.

*Still, in others ways, how you define yourself and the way society defines you is changed. You need to re-anchor yourself, to reconstruct your self-identity. This can be arduous and painful work.

From the book,
"Healing Your Grieving Soul,
100 Spiritual Practices For Mourners"
by Alan D. Wolfelt, PH.D.

8.
KNOW THAT YOU ARE LOVED

" Call it a clan,
call it a network,
call it a tribe,
call it a family.
Whatever you call it,
whoever you are,
you need one."
- Jane Howard

*Yes, love from family, friends, community gives life meaning and purpose. Look around for expressions of care and concern. These are the people who love you and want to be an important part of your support system.

*Some of those who love you may not know how to reach out to you, but they still love you. Reflect on the people who care about you and the ways in which your life matters.

* In contrast, if you lose this connections, you suffer alone and isolation. you feel disconnected from the world around you. Feeling pessimistic, you may retreat even more. You begin to sever your relationships and make your world smaller. Over-isolation anchors your loss and sadness in place.

*it is vital to create a sense of community that is spiritually nurturing and responsive to the needs surrounding loss in your life. Your relationships with family, friends and community are connected like a circle, with no end and no beginning. When you allow yourself to be a part of that circle, you find you place. You realize you belong and are a vital part of a bigger whole.

From the book,
"Healing Your Grieving Soul,
100 Spiritual Practices For Mourners"
by Alan D. Wolfelt, PH.D.

7.
Be Patient

* I'm sure you've realized by now that healing in grief does not usually happen quickly. And because your grief is never truly "over," you are on a life long journey.

* In our hurry-up North American culture, patience can be especially hard to come by. We have all been conditioned to believe that if we want something, we should be able to get it instantly.

*Yet your grief will not heed anyone's timetable- even your own. Be patient with yourself. Be patient with those around you. You are doing the best you can, as are they.

*Practicing patience means relinquishing control. Just as you cannot truly control your life, you cannot control your grief. Yes, you can set your intention to embrace your grief and take steps to mourn well, and these practices will certainly serve you well on your journey, but you cannot control the particulars of what life will continue to lay out before you.

The Mourner's Code

Ten Self-Compassionate Principles
by Alan D. Wolfelt, PH.D.

Though you should reach out to others as you journey through grief, you should not feel obligated to accept the unhelpful responses you may receive from some people. You are the one who is grieving, and as such, you have certain "rights" no one should try to take from you.

The following is intended both to empower you to heal and to decide how others can and cannot help. This is not to discourage you from reaching out to others for help, but rather to assist you in distinguishing useful responses from hurtful ones.

1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief.
No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don't allow them to tell you what you should or should not be feeling.


2. You have the right to talk about your grief.
Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief. If at times you don't feel like talking, you also have the right to be silent.


3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions.
Confusion, numbness, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don't take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without conditions.


4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.
Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don't allow others to push you into doing things you don't feel ready to do.


5. You have the right to experience "griefbursts."
Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but it is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.


6. You have the right to make use of ritual.
The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More importantly, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you the funeral or other healing rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don't listen.


7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality.
If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won't be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.


8. You have the right to search for meaning.
You may find your self asking, "Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?" Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for the cliched responses some people may give you. Comments like, "It was God's will" or "Think of what you have to be thankful for" are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.


9. You have the right to treasure your memories.
Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.


10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal
Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes you life forever.