When I was young and love first engulfed me, forever was a paradise. A destination. A place where well accomplished lovers would be rewarded for figuring out the mystery of how to still love one and another.
I would picture our Paradise with us cuddled under the old quilt his mom made us while sitting on one of those barely rusted front porch double rockers: old hand in old hand. Little tikes would pass by and not notice. Young girls would sigh in hope. The middle age would gasp and say, "Not me~ EVER! I'll shoot myself first"
Either way we wouldn't care. Not just because there would be no way in hell we could hear them, but because we had really loved and had really lived. This was OUR time.
We would reminisce about the places we had walked together in our travels. The diapers we had changed of our children, grandchildren, nieces, great nephews and third cousins. We would bicker about what color our first car was or who was right about not buying vacation property in Florida. We would try hard to recall why it was we hated his Evil Boss Netzel. And how much were those tacos at Taco bell 70 odd years ago?
We wouldn't bother with all the what ifs, all the things we wish we had done differently and the mistakes we made. Nor would we consider the never ending list of things we didn't end up getting to do. There simply would not be room for them under our quilt.
We earned this porch time:
We had paced our lives at times and ran the marathon when required.
We had raised our girls always giving them the best we knew in that moment.
(Umm... yea, I knew then we would have two perfect daughters.)
We had chased a million dreams that we eventually forgot we even cared about. Then, like a cat who found an even more shinny toy to chase, we were on to a new dream.
We had fought the battles: wars for each other and against each other.
We had loved, lost and dared to loved again.
When the dust settled, we had learned to love each other as themselves, without reflection of ourselves.
Squeak, rock, squeak, rock... "What's that honey?"
Squeak, rock, squeak, rock... "Yes, I remember."
Squeak, rock, squeak, rock...."I told you...but you always did what you wanted anyway..."
Squeak, rock, squeak, rock... "...as much as the day I married you!"
Squeak, rock, squeak, rock..... silence.
Then as part of the perfect master plan our two tired old bodies... our two bodies that knew each other like the monarch butterfly knows his way home; like a composer knows the note he is writing is going to sound amazing with the next note he commits to ... would let go together.
And drift into the real forever, death.
But....
Somewhere between the changing of the diapers, the raising of our perfect girls, the aches and pains from running, and the battle scars from almost losing our love.
Somewhere between the heartbreaking untimely deaths of my grandma, cousin, aunt and uncle.
Somewhere in all that, I lost forever.
I lost my ability to live for the future. Believing in tomorrow. Knowing that there was a
Paradise waiting for me on that porch or anywhere. Any hope of faith.
Most days that is a calm great place. It leaves me gentler to the people I love. It leaves me not giving into grudges and hate.
It also strangely, has no effect on how much I love that man I dreamed of finding Paradise with. Our today is awesome.
However, this indulging of only now also leaves me with nothing to look forward to, quite lost, a bit lonely....and super super fat.
So here I am, at this Starbucks - Alone. People watching. Wondering. Thinking. Writing a hopelessly dark and pessimistic, yes I acknowledge it's a bit pessimistic, blog. Wondering if I should be taming this inner energy yelling these mantras at me:
"If not now, when?"
"If not now, maybe never."
"DO IT NOW!"
"No one is promised tomorrow, Women!"
With the loudest, the one I embrace with every new breathe,
"No Day But Today"
(Maybe that is simply from watching RENT with the girls too many times.)
What about the happy ending for those two old birds sitting in their rickety lovers rocker? Slow down there buddy, I'm not that old yet!
