Usually.. I am a blogger that works on my post for days. But, I thought today under the extreme sadness that has clouded my every thought, I'd give you a piece of my raw emotions:
Though the only people who read this blog are family and friends that already know, I will preface this with the simple fact that we buried my 20 year old cousin this past Saturday.
I am living in drama mode. His death seems unreal and would have been best left for the picture shows. All the way down to the tolling of the bells as we walked out the church behind his coffin.
Since he had grown into a young man, Michael had not been part of our everyday life anymore. So, it is easy to go into my head and believe that I will see him as soon as he blows into our drive way to tell me that that he has bought a car all on his own, to tell me that he is employee of the month.
It is not that I don't know how to move on with life. One step in front of the other. One soccer game to the other until life seems moving again. And it's not that I don't know that I have to redefine what normal is. Our new normal is life without Michael. I just don't want to.
I also don't want to deal with the feelings I am having. Sadness, guilt, what if's, confusion, sadness, guilt, what if's, confusion, topped with a bit of anger that I know I am not ready to admit to.
It is like I am living in two different zones in my head; the one that is waiting for his phone call to say he needs a ride to work and the one with the bells ringing as we stammer tear soaked out of the church.
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