Packing For Them

A few days ago

(well okay,
yesturday)

as I was soaking in self pity,

The Husband takes a stab at

boosting my confidence

by telling me

the things I am good at.



At the top of his list he says that

I am a wonderful Mom.

Look what great kids we have, says He.


I laughed.

The laugh of one in the know.


Truth is . . .

our children

are great people

despite the baggage

I keep packing for them!

Wake Up Call?

Recently, as once in a while happens, I became overtaken by this strange feeling of death. This dark emptiness catches my breathe and holds it for the briefest second.

Usually, it throws me into a numbness of trying to imagine death for myself.

But, this time feels different.

My life is considerably off balance: trying to figure this stuff out with the man of the house, fighting diabetes and subsequently my daughter, finding a job, feeling overwhelmed with the state of our home. I can't even add to this list my two cents about money- my pockets are literally empty.

Dangling from air, stationary, but spinning, wildly, out of control. In this state I find myself: half listening, missing appointments with friends, stressing the girls. . . lost. And the cherry on top . . . wishing days away.

Perhaps that death/emptiness feeling isn't about death at all but an alarm calling out to me,

WAKE UP!!!! There aren't enough days to be wishing even one away!

I remember my 92 year old Grandma when asked how she was would look you straight in the eyes, her smile accenting her rosy checks and reply:

Glad to be here.

I am glad to be here. I am glad this is my life. I am not truly lost; just trying to find my way in a part of my life with excessive feelings and no road signs.

I'm Back Baby!!!!

I'm back to blogging.
Not just because you missed me,
but for some reason this is where I find my sanity;
my balance.

I am a hamster turning the wheel without the good sense to get off. The wheel keeps on turning so I keep on walking . . . or perhaps I keep on walking so the wheel keeps on turning.

None the less, I am finding it hard to find the time to write even though I think in paragraphs all day long. Thoughts to be stranded in my head while I continue my walk on the hamster wheel.

Am I wasting my time writing on this blog; starting (not finishing) stories, plays, scripts - most likely. But it is sure a more satisfying way to waste time then doing my chores like the endless piles of laundry. (Unless, of course, I wear my birthday suit. Then for a brief cycle all the laundry in the house is done!)

So, for better or worse,
for reason or insanity . . .
I hope you'll take a walk with me on the blog wheel!

A poem by - Mary Ainge De Vere

Lifes Mirror

There are loyal hearts, there are spirits brave,
There are souls that are pure and true;
Then give to the world the best you have,
And the best will come back to you.

Give love, and love to your life will flow,
A strength in your utmost need;
Have faith, and a score of hearts will show
Their faith in your word and deed.

Give truth, and your gift will be paid in kind,
And honor will honor meet;
And a smile that is sweet will surely find
A smile that is just as sweet.

Give sorrow and pity to htose who mourn;
You will gather in flowers again
The scattered seeds of your thougth outborne,
Though the sowing seemed in vain.

For life is the mirror of the king and the slave-
'Tis just what we are and do;
Then give to the world the best you have,
And the best will come back to you.

- Mary Ainge De Vere

Number One Fan

Could it have been foresight that my mother crewel embroidered this sign for me? Could she have known that I would turn out to know nothing at all? Or did she hope to inspire me to become imaginative with this subliminal message greeting me daily for three decades.

Perhaps, she simply fancied the design and while stitching she day dreamed of my sisters and I sitting together in a home made tree house discussing and debating the worlds hard questions.

Regardless of how it came about, this motto has become part of my design. My imagination is in full swing - for better or worse!

And to this day, Mom continues to be my imaginations number one fan. She invites it in, asks how it's doing, makes it chocolate chip cookies. (She even let's it lick the spoon.)

It always comes home with an inflated head; feeling like it can do anything.

Mother's Day Proclamation - 1870

by Julia Ward Howe

Arise then...women of this day!
Arise, all women who have hearts!
Whether your baptism be of water or of tears!
Say firmly:
"We will not have questions answered by irrelevant agencies,
Our husbands will not come to us, reeking with carnage,
For caresses and applause.
Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn
All that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy and patience.
We, the women of one country,
Will be too tender of those of another country
To allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs."

From the voice of a devastated Earth a voice goes up with
Our own. It says: "Disarm! Disarm!
The sword of murder is not the balance of justice."
Blood does not wipe our dishonor,
Nor violence indicate possession.
As men have often forsaken the plough and the anvil
At the summons of war,
Let women now leave all that may be left of home
For a great and earnest day of counsel.
Let them meet first, as women, to bewail and commemorate the dead.
Let them solemnly take counsel with each other as to the means
Whereby the great human family can live in peace...
Each bearing after his own time the sacred impress, not of Caesar,
But of God -
In the name of womanhood and humanity, I earnestly ask
That a general congress of women without limit of nationality,
May be appointed and held at someplace deemed most convenient
And the earliest period consistent with its objects,
To promote the alliance of the different nationalities,
The amicable settlement of international questions,
The great and general interests of peace.

Faithful Elephants

When Annalise turned the corner she had tears in her eyes. Since she is fourteen, it took me off guard. I looked at my younger daughter for a translation.

"She just read 'Faithful Elephants'. I tried to tell her it'd make her cry."

Samantha and I had read "Faithful Elephants: A True Story of Animals, People and War" by Yukio Tsuchiya the previous evening.

Nancy, our own personal librarian at the Downtown Kansas City Public Library, suggested it to us. She warned us that though it is wrapped up as a picture book, it was a tough one.

In the preface "To the Readers", Chieko Akiyama conveys his hope that the reading of this book help bring about "seeds of peace and war prevention will be sown."

By the first few pages of the story we were heartsick for John, Tonky and Wanly.

During WWII, these three elephants were of many killed by Ueno Zoo keepers who thought that IF any of the animals survived the bombings they would be loose, scared and therefore dangerous.

For whatever reason, the keepers were unable to poison the elephants as originally planned. John, Tonky and Wanly were starved to death.

"Over two weeks later, Tonky and Wanly were dead. Both died leaning against the bars of their cage with their trunks stretched high in the air, still trying to do their banzai trick for the people who once feed them."

Our sorrow extended to the elephants Japanese Keepers who were ordered to carry out this death plan.

At the end of the story Samantha had one burning question,

"Was the Ueno Zoo bombed?"

Other words, did John, Tonky, Wanly and their zoo friends have to die?

We took the question to the web. Google's only response - Hap Halloran's, WWII Prisoner of War, web page.

'Then Hap was moved to Ueno Zoo in Tokyo where he was a prisoner in an animal cage and tied to the front bars in his lion cage so civilians could march by and view a B-29 flyer. He was naked and black from non-washing and hair all over his face. Hap lost 90 lbs. and was covered with open running sores from flea-bed bug bites.'

After being left with these two brutally honest contradictions of war, I have one simple burning question:

What if Samantha, Annalise and myself . . . along with you . . . extended our hands out of our caged thinking and fostered the growth of seeds of peace in memory of Tonky, Wanly, John and Hap . . . and the googol of other victims of wars?